Monthly Archives: August 2021

Fighting Depression: Depressive Disorder

When my depression came out, the psychiatrist gave me two options for treatment.

The first one was medication. She said, “I could give you anti-depressants. You could take these medications once every day for an entire month, and then we could do another checkup and see how your condition is affected.”

Since no one in my family ever had a depressive condition that required them to take antidepressants, my parents were extra inquisitive about what we could expect from the anti depressant drug. I was thankful for that because it turned out that anti depressants did not have a lot of positive feedback for their depression from my psychiatrist’s other clients. They apparently reported feeling sluggish, tired, and sleepy all the time – as if they were always sedated. Still, since there was technically no cure for depression – or for mental disorders for that matter – mental health professionals feel obliged to prescribe anti depressants.

Of course, I did not want to do anything with the anti depressent drug that might or might not be good to me. I was a teenager and a lesbian; I already had enough to deal with at that moment. When my parents asked about the second option, the psychiatrist started talking about counseling for depression disorder.

How do we resolve a depressive condition?

 

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If you had not heard of counseling for depressive disorder in the past, it referred to the treatment where you would talk to a counselor about your depressive issues. The counselor would not resolve your depression problems for you. Instead, they would listen and help you reinterpret what you were talking about so that you could see another way out of your depression issues.

Nevertheless, as I mentioned in the first half of this blog, counseling was not a popular method of dealing with mental disorders such as depression at the time. Mom and dad were not worried about being seen coming in or out of the councilor’s office. What they were more concerned about was that counseling for depression might be a waste of money. They could not fathom how talking and doing nothing else could make my depressing disorder go away.

The thing was, I was pretty desperate at that point. I had not felt like myself for months, and I was depressively tired of pretending to be happy in front of everyone. I eventually coaxed my parents to see that counseling for depression was the lesser evil than taking anti depressants.

Through the psychiatrist, I signed up for my first counseling session for depression disorder .

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What I Learned To Do With My Depressive Disorder During Counseling

Counseling for depression was not awful, but it was not for the faint of heart. I had only been there for only one hour during the first session for my depression, but I had already found myself depressively sobbing.

The primary reason was that the counselor for depression would make you recall everything that happened in the past that might have contributed to the depressive disorder. For example, I might have set myself up for the disorder when I refused to make friends with others when I was much younger. My depressive condition might have just gotten full-blown because of the breakup and my inability to come out to my parents.

Still, I would like to share a few ideas I learned – and did – during counseling for my depression.

In Looking For Acceptance For Who I Was

I realized that it felt impossible for me to get accepted by my parents because I had not entirely accepted myself. I was a lesbian – I knew that – but a part of me might still not want to believe it. Hence, I was quick to assume that mom and dad would disown me if they found out.

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But the fact that I was still very much loved at home proved that my worries were baseless. I worked on changing how I viewed myself so that I could finally accept who I was.

How Coping With Negativities And Depression Made Me Feel Better

When I became single again, I finally considered the consequences of coming out. I did not think of that before because I had Trisha – I felt we could resolve any issues together. However, once she’s gone, I stressed the possibility of getting bullied and depressed or not getting accepted by society because of my gender preference.

Luckily, I had a counselor to help me cope with my disorder with depressing negativities. She taught me that others’ opinions did not matter. As long as I was happy and not walking all over everybody, haters could hate anytime, and I should not be bothered and depressed.

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Decide On What I Want To Become In Life

Towards the end of my depression counseling journey, the counselor said, “Every improvement that you have made so far is appreciable, yes. But have you decided on what kind of person you want to be?”

The question caught me off-guard since no one had asked me that before. I was only 16 years old; I had not thought of that ever. After a few minutes of thinking, though, I replied, “I want to be an honest person. I know how it feels to lie to my loved one, and it’s not great. I will do my best to stay true to myself and stay away from my negative thoughts.”

Final Thoughts About My Journey Through Depression

Nine years later, I am now a certified gastroenterologist. I have fully embraced who I am and never needed to go back to counseling. Despite that, the lessons I learned from my counselor will always stay in my heart and mind.

 

 

Depression

Depressive disorder is referred to as depression. Whenever I tell people that I had that at 16, their reactions to depression were always similar. Someone would say, “You must have had a traumatic childhood to get diagnosed with depression.” or “I hope you have gotten away from your mom and dad.”

It’s Depressing! Depression Filled Everything

Too much work and isolation can cause depression. I did not have many friends growing up; I was mainly happy to stay in my room

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Whenever I heard such depression-inducing things, I would tell those people to stop blaming everything on my parents as calmly as possible. They had nothing to do with my depression. It is unfair for my parents to be accused as the cause of my depression or become a source of any depression symptoms. Granted, it happened when I was young – when I was living under their roof – but I went through some depression-worthy circumstances in life that they did not know of until the crap practically hit the fan.

How I Discovered My Genuine True Self

Sadness And Confusion. The Start of Depressive Episodes

You see, I had always been a lonely person and I didn’t know if that was depression or not. All I know is that I am having depression symptoms all the time. I did not have many friends growing up; I was mainly happy to stay in my room, read a book, or watch TV with the family. Sometimes, my parents would feel the need to pay my cousins so that they would drag me out of the house and hang out with me.

During my depressed moments, this worked for the most part, and I learned to like my cousins’ friends. However, when I turned 15 years old, we played spin the bottle. The basic idea was that whoever the bottle’s mouth would land on, they would choose who to kiss.

When it landed on a girl named Trisha, the boys oohed because they were eager to get chosen by a cute girl. But everyone went quiet when she pointed at me.

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Depression And Gender

Back in those days, girls kissing other girls was hardly a thing. And if there were ever a lesbian in the midst, you would know immediately because they wore boy clothes. However, Trisha was as girly as you could get with her skirts, long hair, and poise. Because of that, no one knew that she was batting for the same field until that moment.

What did I do, you might ask? I would be a wuss if I ran away, so I let Trisha kiss me. Her lips were so soft and tasted like strawberry due to her flavored Chapstick. I would not have known that we were kissing for a couple of minutes if my cousins did not pull her away from me.

I did not tell anyone about it, but that was the day I realized that I was a lesbian. What could cause depression in knowing that, right?

The Struggle With Depression: Depression At Its Worst

Before going home, I made my cousin’s promise to keep what happened a secret – especially to my parents. While they often told me that I should not have a boyfriend my age, I did not think they would appreciate it if I came to the house with a girlfriend. Luckily, my cousins were fantastic, so they vowed not to tell anyone about my gender discovery.

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The thing was, Trisha and I began to date soon after that. I guess it was a blessing in disguise that she could not come out to her parents as well, considering she was extra careful not to get caught when we were out. We could only be ourselves whenever we were behind closed doors, pretending to have slumber parties.

I was too naïve to think that my relationship with Trisha could go on forever. One day, she merely called to say that she was moving to another state with her parents. I said we could still make it work, but she did not even want to think about it. Everything shattered and felt depressingly uncomfortable.

Sadness: Emotional Agony 

The breakup technically made me feel depressed, but what got me falling into depression was that I could not cry to my parents about it. They would get upset about me breaking their #1 rule. Then, their feelings might worsen if they learned that I was into girls.

Only when I started having suicidal thoughts that I felt the need to ask for depressive help.

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How Did My Beloved Parents Take It: Depression And Gender Preference

My parents were both shell-shocked, of course. I got so good at hiding my gender preference and my depression from them that they did not see anything amiss in the last few months. We even celebrated my 16th birthday in the Bahamas, and they never saw a smile leave my face. So who would have thought I was struggling with depression?

Frustrating Issue: Decision That Either Make Or Break Things

If I was honest, my mother took the depressing news a little worse than my father. As a traditional woman, it was challenging for her to accept that her only daughter might someday get married to another woman instead of a man. However, I begged her not to worry about that for now because I was still young, and anything could happen.

My parents took me to the only psychiatrist at the city proper for a diagnosis. When the doctor confirmed my depression, I felt more relieved than scared. Finally, I had a name for all the loneliness, emptiness, and darkness I had been going through: depression. All this time it was depression. Those suicidal thoughts are from depression.

Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced.

It’s all about the absence of hope.

Depression is a very different feeling.

But what’s the next step after that?

 

Note: This is one-half of a two-part blog. Stay tuned for the next one.